Identity and Contradictions

I am thankful to God that this weeks lesson seems to be much more up-beat and more manageable to consume. I am reading about finding our identity in Christ; a sermon topic I have heard my whole life. And I am somewhat embarrassed to find that I still am eager to hear it told.
I used to think that the Gospel was something you needed to hear just to "get saved" and once you were, the whole "invitation" time in the service seemed redundant and unimportant to a "saved" person such as me. The Gospel was for non-Christians to hear. I had already gotten my ticket for the train. So I abandoned the Gospel message (save for certain evangelical endeavors) in order to pursue topical theology outside of that minor league message of the Gospel. That was a beginning course for amateurs. And I was way to advanced for that.
You can see where this is going. No one ever found their solid identity in non-Gospel centric religiosity. It took years before I realized that
a) I needed to hear the Gospel every day; several times a day and
b) that I could spend a lifetime just studying the verses from Matthew where Christ outlines the Greatest commandment and "the second just like it". Loving God with all of me (and being loved by Him) and then going out and doing the same for others, is enough to keep me busy for a very long time. All those other interesting topics did not seem nearly as important.
So how does one do this?
I am still answering that question. When I look for the loving message of God, I look for Him in music, conversation, nature, scripture and silence. The problem is not that I don't hear the message; the problem is getting to a point in my day when I am looking for it. Luckily, a few of these channels deliver the message bluntly to me without my necessary effort. (This is why it is important to choose wisely the friends you have and the music you listen to).
I need desperately to be reminded everyday Who I Am. And here's the kicker: if I really did get it sometimes, I know I could be living out my identity in profound ways. I keep getting this very sinking feeling that I am on the verge of something. I see myself skating across the top of this something but never venturing in.
I guess what I am trying to say (more specifically) is that I know in my heart that I am not drinking deeply of my Lord. I shy from my own indwelt, spiritual power. I live on the fringes of an intense spiritual reality. And as I read this article on Knowing Who We Are, I hear a voice inside telling me that if I would let myself receive the message of Who I Am, I would be changed. I hold this message at arms length always. I know all the academic answers and I cherish them, but something deep inside of me refuses the whole truth of the Gospel and what it means to my identity. If I am filthy, you cannot convince me that I am clean. I know how hard I am to love, because I have such a hard time with it. I know my darkness, and it is not light.
Sometimes it feels like the Gospel message is just throwing roses on my trash heap. I know that the Gospel is truth, but I just can't seem to really embrace it as my identity. But I know that if I did . . .
And this might be what this time in life is all about for me. Moving on from what has been holding me back. Becoming new, for good. No reservations. This lesson on identity has uncovered for me some of my biggest spiritual cowardliness. I know what is right, but the reality of myself seems beyond redemption, and I don't want to believe a lie just so I can feel warm and fuzzy.