Seeing

I was asked by my husband just a few nights ago, "If you could have any one question answered, what would you ask?"
There are SOOOOOOOO many that fall into this category, but after a few minutes of sorting through them, I came up with this one on the top: "What am I missing, Lord?"
After answering, it occurred to me that there is nothing stopping me from asking this question in reality. Imagine my surprise when I was faced with a similar challenge in the next weeks lesson of our workbook.
This week is important for two reasons. One is, I have been having bad days. Not the kind where stuff goes wrong, but the kind where I can't seem to handle anything, even if it goes right. My emotions have been way close to the surface. I find myself in fits of extreme anger and anxiety. I then look for any available place to spew them. This is an occurrence that used to be quite common in my life, but has not been for many years. Imagine my alarm.
Day after day, I felt more and more afraid of myself because i was unable to control the intense, irrational, outbursts of my emotions. It has been embarrassing and frustrating beyond measure. So i come upon this first exercise which asks us to contemplate the nearness of God throughout our day. So I did, and no shit; it worked.
The only thing that has centered me for days was the challenge to look beyond myself and feel Him when I was on the brink of explosion. And I felt Him. I felt Him and He was bigger than everything I was feeling besides Him.
It reminded me of college. I went through some very intense emotional healing during those years, and I recall now that when I was losing control of my mind, i used to drive out to the enormous fields that filled our campus. I would go lay on the hood of my car and stare at the infinite. I did this because it was very healing to be reminded how small I am really. It put things back in perspective. It allowed me to share a moment with something very constant and large. It was wonderful, until campus police found you and told you to get off the grass.
I am trying to become aware of Him. I am trying to do what I have so long preach at others to do. I am trying to pray without ceasing and resurrect the voice of God in my life. Now, what He has to say is another matter entirely.